I often find parenthood revolves around mothers and motherhood and often excludes fathers and fatherhood. At first, while a couple is trying to conceive, we ignore the 1 in 8 men who face infertility, and focus on the woman and her cycle. When a woman is actually pregnant, the entire focus is on her pregnancy and how she is feeling and coping. We ignore dad and his feelings during this time and fail to address any anxiety he might be having over being the perfect father to his unborn child. Then comes birth and we all know it is the mother who creates her own birth plan while her partner stands by her side to support her as best he can. The couple are now parents and are both equally responsible for this perfect, new little human. Yet, most of the responsibility often falls on the new recovering mother.
I know I myself was completely exhausted after delivering both of my boys. Between labor, delivery and then breastfeeding, it was a lot of pressure for me now to take care of my tiny new bundle of joy. I tried looking to my husband for help and support but saw he was also completely run down, and in all honestly, he couldn't breastfeed with his worthless nipples. The nights became really rough as I struggled to handle night feedings and diaper changes on my own. I did not want to wake my husband up because I was on maternity leave and he had to leave for work in the morning. I felt lonely and lost. At the same time I also knew my husband was tired too. Even though he was not up at midnight, 2 AM, 4 AM and 6 AM breastfeeding, he still was woken up by our baby's wails and not sleeping solidly.
Once my baby was gaining weight well and it came time begin the sleep training process, I knew I could not do it alone an needed to involve my husband. I needed his help especially for those middle of the night wake ups when it was not time to nurse the baby. I hear many times from my friends that while their partners encourage them to sleep train their babies, the work often falls solely on the mother. After all, their partners were the ones going to work in the morning so how would it be fair to keep dad up?
When my husband started to help me with sleep training (and night weaning when it was the right time to night wean my boys), I immediately felt relief and the share of the burden. The sleep training process was much faster than I initially thought it would be because I had the emotional and physical support and could sleep through a wake up knowing full well my husband would take care of our crying baby. Yes, at first it was hard for my husband and we spent the first few nights up together as I guided him with our sleep training method, but he caught on quickly! Once our baby was sleep trained and only waking for his 3 AM night feed we both slept better. We were new parents who had more patience for our kids and each other. Involving my husband in this new stage of parenthood was the best choice I ever made as both a wife and a mother.
Involving dad with sleep training is very helpful for your baby too. Often sleep training is emotional for both parents. Your baby usually is associating mom with food and comfort. Having dad help comfort baby in middle of the night to remind baby that it is not yet time to eat, or to help assist a baby who has done what I call "help! I've sat up or stood up and can't lay back down!" allows baby to learn to receive comfort from dad very quickly. The sleep training process progresses quickly and before you know it, the entire family is sleeping better and in a better mood too. The best part is dad now has a new bond with baby and vise versa.
Dads are parents too and many times view their involvement as minimal. The more we as moms teach our partners and remember to include them in our parenting journey, the more dads can soar and take over some of the burden we often feel. Motherhood can feel lonely, but that's why it takes two people to create life. Let's include dad too and check in to make sure he isn't feeling lonely as well.
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